The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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