Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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