Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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