The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
