i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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