Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can I color on your dick again?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Randomize
