I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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