Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
