Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
