Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
