If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
