Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
