I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
