Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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