Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
