i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
