Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
even my farts smell like vagina
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
