Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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