I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
