Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
