I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
