I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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