420 ftw
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
