please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
