just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
