The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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