That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
