I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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