one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
