look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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