You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
