What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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