Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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