wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
