I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
