Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
