He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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