Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
