I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
