I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize