im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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