i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
