I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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