dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize