It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
