I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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