Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
