The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
