Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
