dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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