I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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