Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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