please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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