i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
