My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
