totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
