Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
