I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
