If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
