Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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