my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
