just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
