Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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