she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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