Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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