we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
