I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Randomize